Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Pop it, 'till I DROP IT!

For all of my homie hip hop readers out there, such as myself, I am not refering to Huey's "Pop Lock and Drop It".

This is Brittny (red Santa hat) and me doing that exact dance.
What you don't know is that I am laughing hysterically making my eyes squinch like Renee Zellweger, due to the following conversation:

Me: Brittny, let me up!
Brittny: Hmmmm... no.

And what you don't see is that I have on some way cute, Nine West, three inch stacked ankle straps, trying to balance us both. One second later we fell on our cute little...


I have a rubberband on my wrist. Anytime I cuss or complain, I must pop myself equal to the number of infractions.

No one told me to do this. I decided I needed to take radical measures- otherwise I might end up like my Grandmother Edna, who was a one woman off Broadway show- launching into long, rambling discourses about her latest medical misfortunes.
All she needed was a few dance numbers and a Playbill.

If you'd like to know what I complain the most about, upon your next trip to the drug store, just pick up a bottle of Midol and read the list on the back of the box.

The first ten minutes I wore my rubberband, I violated the rules five times.
Three for cussing. Two for complaining.

I'm explaining, on the phone, this to Amy:

"I said "sh*@", "FU#@" and "as*#$@*."
"Who were you mad at?"

Later in the day, I'm explaining, on the phone, this to Allison:

"I said, "sh*@", "FU#@!", and "as*#$@."
"You said "sh*@", "FU#@!", and a*#$@?"
"Well," she asks all Cheshire Cat like- "aren't you supposed to pop yourself now because you just said it again?"

"DAMN!" I say, because now I have to pop myself.
And then I go: "DAMN!" a second time and cover my mouth, because I remember "damn" is a cuss word.
"DAMN!"  spews forth a third time because my mouth apparently has a mind of its own.  I can't seem to stop myself. I'm filled with regret, realizing I now have to pop myself SIX times.
Do the math.


I pop it 'till I drop it!

And to all my very pious readers, I've a question:
What word starts with an "F" and ends in a "CK"?

"Firetruck", you perverts.

P.S. I know some of you are concerned that I should not be doing that dance in the dress I was wearing, which looked like this, only with white piping down the sides:

But it was a private party and everyone there already knows I'm crazy, wild, nuts?
Is "intoxicated" the word you're looking for?


  1. I've given up too many damn things already - I'm holding onto my cussing (and my smoking) for a while yet.

  2. Polly,

    Good for you!

    I only had to pop myself twice today.

    Cussing. Both times.

    I lost my rubber band in the bathroom somewhere and Tony came out of the garage with a whole bag of about a 600 count.

    Tony never, ever, ever cusses. I think he's an android. A black, funky, good dancer type of android. An android with 600 rubberbands.

  3. Well, I always thought Data on Star Trek was kinda sexy.

    You'll have to tell me some time how it is to be married to a black man in the South. I had a black boyfriend in high school in Baton Rouge, and it was insane the way people reacted. Of course, that was high school. Hopefully, people are more mature in your world.

  4. Polly,

    We've never had any problem. If I were to be completely honest, it's worked in our favor.

    We live in a horribly white area of town. For instance, there's many luncheons at the country clubs and so forth, where Tony is the only black person there. THAT'S how white it is.

    I think people here like to think of themselves as being very progressive to have an interracial couple as their friends! (Not you Amy. You like us because you like us and I know that.)

    Once though, in the mall, an older woman was staring at me so much I thought I had my fly unzipped and actually checked it- then I remembered, you idiot, I'm white. I say, "white-ish" because, really, I can DANCE. ;)

    Last Oct. at a Chamber luncheon at the new Cowboy Stadium, there was a sistah who was not too happy with me.

    So, two blatant times in 10 years.

    Even if it was more than that, I've never cared a whole hill of beans lot what people think. Do they pay my bills?

    I'm sorry to hear you and your boyfriend were treated badly. What did people do?

  5. Who am I supposed to cuss with now??? :(

  6. I read this before I went flying this morning, believe me. I just wasn't able to muster up an appropriate (or inappropriate, as the case may be) response.

    I loved reading this. Made me giggle. Particularly the triple damn, and the subsequent realization of further poppings.

    Oh, and I'm going to remember that "firetruck" gag...

    Great post. You really are a kick to read and talk to.

  7. you crack me up. Marilisa is not joking when she says we live in a "white area". I would have to be honest and say that I have never noticed that Tony is the only balck guy at functions, but now that you have pointed it out...it is true! btw...I have something to tell you about "ewww brad"..on the eww scale it is a 10/10!! :)

  8. Postman,

    As you always say to me- you flatter me.
    Thank you very much.

    Yet, we've never spoken, silly.

    If we have, I must have been drinking, because I forgot. So if I was drinking and we had a very lovely conversation, I'm truly sorry I've forgotten what we said to each other. And I apologize in advance if I was in any way offensive.

    Honestly though, I'm so glad you enjoy the EC.

  9. "A",

    I am calling you in T minus 10, 9, 8...