My Lamentable Tale of Unfortunate Events, OR- How to Recognize and Stop Financial Abuse in a Most Delusional Marriage

Let me start with some show and tell. Didn't you always enjoy that in school?

Well, I did.

And it goes something like this:

In this particular scenario, I am actually the father you see there to the right.

That's me.

I'm having a real WTF?!!! moment.

This brings us to Monday morning, March 8th, 2010.

I have two family members visiting us.

The electricity is turned off.

"It's okay," I assure him, "I have money to pay for this."

And it went through his eyes;

No you don't. You don't have any money. I stole it all.

He didn't have to say a word.

"WHAT?! YOU STOLE ALL MY MONEY?!"

And now the whole house of cards begins crashing down.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Receiving an allowance.

Being held accountable for every penny spent.

Money being taken against the will.

Using the spouse's assets for personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities.

Preventing a partner from working or choosing a career.

Sabotaging place of employment. (Forcing the partner to miss work or repeated calling to the place of employment, etc.)

It's not easy to admit, I- the great and mighty and capable Entrepreneur Chick, am an abused woman.

The victim of abuse.

Me?

Incredulous.

But the sad fact is that I have been victimized for sure.

Yet the good news is that though I have been victimized:

I am NOT going to walk in being a victim.

I am writing to you today, not as an abused wife, but as a dispassionate business partner who, rest assured, will protect her interests!

You see fraud is both a civil and criminal offense.

The unauthorized use of your debit card or credit card is punishable under the law.

Translated: You're goin' down, dude.

Stealing my money I saved for months in my own personal business account, a business that he did not create nor was he involved, is just the tip of the whole financial iceberg.

My banker said, "Girl, get in here and close these accounts- he's robbing you blind."

MY BANKER!

Exactly how bad does it have to be that your banker would freak out?

Sure enough, I asked for a copy of all my bank records:

What did I see?

Large cash with drawls- where did the money go? You tell me-

second liens on our car of which I knew nothing about.

And always:

Insufficient funds, insufficient funds, insufficient funds; charges over and over and over.

Why did I not know this before you ask?

I was not allowed to check our bank accounts.

I was not allowed to check the mail.

I was not allowed to handle cash.

I was not allowed.

That's what "he" did, and I let him do it.

Why did I let him do it?

I trusted him.

Big, huge, fat, honking mistake.

When I was sick, I was not allowed to go to the doctor.

He'd try to treat my illness first at home- only if it got very serious would he take me.

He would take me.

I did not drive.

Dependence. Make 'em dependent.

But this is the dichotomy of the whole deal.

Sociopaths do not hook up with weak women.

He got with me because I'm strong.

I know how to get things done.

In me he saw, "Gosh- if I'm with her, I can probably have all the things I could never get on my own."

I was a mark. Not a mate. There's an enormous difference.

I got him to the board of directors of a chamber of commerce.

No way could he pull that off singularly.

 The only reason he's survived in the world thus far, is to align himself with some woman and hold on for dear life until he's played her all out and used her all up- and then:

moving on!

Next!

By the way, I'm his fourth wife.

You think perhaps those other women might know a little something about him that I didn't?

Sure. You bet.

Checking his email- something I never did before- I find another cash loan transacted online, of which, he is delinquent.

Oh, here's my surprised look.

"Numerous attempts have been made to contact you regarding this matter."

Uh huh. I'm sure there were.

That explains why he looks at incoming calls on his cell and just turns his phone off.

Oh, I get it now.

"Hey honey, I just want to call and tell you that I'm third in line to pay for my speeding ticket so you won't worry about me."

A notice comes in the mail for a warrant for his arrest.

Why?

Unpaid speeding ticket.

It got just flat out dangerous to stay married to the guy.

We had a huge event last November.

We outsourced assets we did not own.

Some we did, some we didn't.

He shot her a bid so low- I said, "You don't have a profit margin in that. It's not worth it.  Don't do it.  You shoot her the correct price and let her tell you 'no'."

But he didn't do that.

Instead, he wrote felony hot checks to three vendors to compensate for the way he lacks the balls to really be in business.

The felonies well surpass the line of "I'm a bad money manager" to, "I don't mind being a felon to get what I want."

Sociopathic.

Plain and simple.

How does he pull all these lies and frauds off?

Is he mean? Cruel? Did he slap me around?

Oh, no.

He's the worst kind of con man- because he is kind.

He's charming.

He's polite.

He's well groomed.

He speaks well.

Treats everyone decently- as decently as he can until he puts the knife in your back and twists it.

My general manager told me, "That son of a bitch owes me six hundred dollars and I couldn't pay my rent. He's never paid me right in four years! It got so bad I'd have to go to the bank with him each time he wrote me a check because it'd always bounce."

Why did I not know that about my own staff?

I wasn't allowed to manage them. Not really. He did that too.

When I'd say something about how I was going to do this or that regarding our employees, he'd jump in and say, "No. Don't do that, honey. You let me talk to so-and-so about that."

My general manager told me last week that three of my employees would all sit around and try to figure out how we were making all this money (because they were responsible for collecting balances from our clients) and yet, they couldn't be paid.

And yet, their checks would bounce.

Why?

Why?

I have my ideas.

He was such a bad porn addict that he told me eleven years ago- "You will never understand the depth of my addiction. I'd buy magazines and then be evicted because I spent all the money on that and not rent."

A year and half ago- guess who's all up in porn again?

How do I know?

Because you can delete your browsing history all day long, okay?

 It STILL registers on your flash drive, moron.

Plus he confessed. I didn't need one, but he did.

The following excerpt is a good explanation of what my life was like:

Many women suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband's controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband's attitude and behavior, but they don?t live with a gnawing sense of fear.






Financial abuse is different.






It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner?s behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.






Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.






Where do you draw the line?






You may know someone whom you suspect is being financially abused and feel helpless. After her husband went on a physical rampage during an argument about money, a local socialite was rushed to the hospital with multiple fractures. He is the CEO of one of the country's largest financial institutions.






After a brief mention in the local newspaper, the story disappeared from all police reports and press archives. This incident is not unique; it happens more often than we realize.






On the other hand, you may not know that your neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won?t tell you. You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He's not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. We might label his behavior difficult, eccentric or unpleasant, but we don't intervene.






The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it functions on a continuum of emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. The abuser's objective is control."

Who does not know about the proverbial frog who, when placed in boiling water jumps quickly out, but heat up the water slowly- will sit right there happy as a clam, until he's cooked to death?

I was that frog.

Finally- how to stop financial abuse?

Go right now and check your bank account.

Go right now, and check your stashes of cash.

Do you like what you see?

I hope you do.

If you don't- as I've always said- if you don't like it- change it.

Take back your life. After all, it really is yours. Not his.

Realize there's three stages to this little act of his.

First phase: You get hooked into the relationship

Second phase: He pulls weird financial shit but you justify it because you love him.

Third phase: The unmasking. Gig's up, fool. I'm on to you now.

When I closed out our accounts I was handed the whopping sum of eight dollars and sixty three cents after eleven years of marriage and three businesses, five a which I handed to a child in my family and said, "Happy birthday, kid."

I asked my banker: "Aren't you glad you are not on the other side of this desk today? Can you imagine?"

"Marilisa, I really can't."

I lost my home. I lost my husband. I lost my finances.

But as you may have noticed- I am sincerely Entrepreneur Chick- if you read me for any length of time, you know that.

I'm going to be fine.

(But I ain't takin' your word for shit no mo.)

Sing it, Christina!